By Sarah J. Bracey, PhD LPC MHSP
I began using this self-evaluation tool with some of the participants in my Boundaries groups several years ago. More recently, I have utilized it with my younger (college-age) clients who were struggling with their parental relationships. Keep in mind that I only use this tool with clients who are self-proclaimed Christians and open to using prayer and Scripture in the counseling setting. This evaluation can be used with anyone in the client’s life who he or she feels is crossing (or not respecting) a potential boundary or perhaps is looking to renegotiate a boundary that has previously been set.
The Christlike Character Self-Evaluation
1. Describe your current relationship with _____.
2. Is the conflict you are experiencing something new or something that has always been there?
3. Have you prayed, fasted, sought out Scripture, or talked with a Christian mentor about this conflict?
4. Have you felt a conviction from the Holy Spirit about this conflict? If so, how has the Spirit convicted you?
5. Are there elements of the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control) that you would like to work on that could potentially help with this conflict?
6. How would Jesus handle this conflict (What would Jesus do)?
7. Would you be willing to practice a more Christlike relationship with this person while learning how to respectfully communicate boundaries and boundary consequences?
8. Are you willing to accept that the other person (or people) may not be interested in reconciliation and/or on your terms? What are you willing (and not willing) to negotiate?
Depending on the client and his or her situation, I may adapt these questions or add new ones. I have found that oftentimes the reason why boundaries tend to be rather troublesome is that we do not approach it with a Christlike relationship to the other person. In marriage, for example, we may often find ourselves struggling with loving our spouse as Christ loves the Church. We become too distracted with the needling effects of living with another fallen, sinful human that we forget to practice empathy and compassion. Starting with a Christlike relationship and practicing the fruit of the Spirit, will improve the boundary communications, and underlying belief system, well before making consequent boundary behavioral changes. In my next post, I will describe a case study that inspired the creation of such an evaluation tool for my clients.
Sarah J. Bracey, PhD LPC MHSP, serves as the program coordinator and associate professor of the undergraduate and graduate psychology programs at Welch College. She also provides soul care counseling and supervision with over 15 years of experience in the college campus setting. Dr. Bracey has led several Boundaries workshops with her clients and enjoys writing and speaking on mental health topics. She lives in northern Tennessee with her husband and son.
