By Sarah J. Bracey, PhD LPC MHSP
In a previous post, I discussed how I have led Boundaries groups over the years helping individual clients with understanding how to instill appropriate boundaries in their lives and yet, it does not seem to be enough. For this last post, I will describe a client’s situation in one of these Boundaries groups that was the inspiration for creating the Christlike Character Self-Evaluation (described in my second blog post) encouraging clients to examine their personal relationships and walk with Christ before instituting behavioral boundary changes.
Several years ago, while co-leading a Boundaries group with another counselor, I met with a woman who was struggling with appropriate intergenerational boundaries within her family. For the purposes of this post, we will refer to her as Cynthia. Intergenerational boundaries can occur for a number of reasons. In Cynthia’s case, her mother had rejected Cynthia’s choice of husband several years ago, which prompted Cynthia to cut her mother out of her life. However, with Cynthia now having two young children of her own, her mother would like to be a part of her grandchildren’s lives and was willing to make it work.
At first, Cynthia was very reluctant to have any contact with her mom whom she had not spoken to for several years. She described how she had created a boundary with her mother similar to Jesus’s instructions to his disciples in Matthew 10:14 when encountering a house that is not worthy of the message to “shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town” (ESV). Cynthia shook off her relationship and moved on with her life towards those who would accept her and her husband. As the years went by, though, Cynthia also longed for her mother’s guidance through her pregnancies and the birth of her two children. She wanted her kids to also have a grandma who could invest in their lives and perhaps also help out with childcare from time to time.
Cynthia, and her husband, were God-honoring Christians and I could tell they wanted to do the right thing, but there was so much past hurt and worry to work through before attempting to renegotiate the boundary they had set several years ago. What if Cynthia’s mother still refused to accept Cynthia’s husband? What if she was verbally abusive about him in front of the children? What if she decided to reject the kids, as well? What could be the long-term effects on them if this reconciliation did not work out?
In Cynthia’s case, I wanted to be very sensitive to all of her questions and worries. Unfortunately, we oftentimes will not receive direct answers from God about the ‘what ifs’ of relationships. We are encouraged to be strong and courageous and have faith that He will never leave us (Deut. 31:6). In seeing that Cynthia could benefit from individual counseling, we met over a series of several months starting with the Christlike Character Self-Evaluation.
- Describe your current relationship with _____. (In Cynthia’s case, she was able to go into more detail through individual counseling regarding what led to her decision to cut her mother out of her life).
- Is the conflict you are experiencing something new or something that has always been there? (In Cynthia’s case, her tumultuous relationship with her mother had lasted several years, so there was a great deal to work through to pursue a relationship with her).
- Have you prayed, fasted, sought out Scripture, or talked with a Christian mentor about this conflict? (At this point in our sessions, I encouraged Cynthia, and her husband, to spend considerable amount of time in prayer. I also encouraged a time each week that they could fast together and perhaps speak to their pastor about their situation and get further spiritual guidance).
- Have you felt a conviction from the Holy Spirit about this conflict? If so, how has the Spirit convicted you? (In Cynthia’s case, she had already felt a great conviction from the Holy Spirit, which had prompted her to join the Boundaries group in the first place. I encouraged her to take time to listen to the Spirit. What passages of Scripture were repeatedly coming to her mind? How was God using people in Cynthia’s life to speak to her? Could she discern whether these things were of God or of something else?).
- Are there elements of the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control) that you would like to work on that could potentially help with this conflict? (In Cynthia’s case, we worked considerably on what it means to be a peacemaker and how to love her mother as Christ loves her).
- How would Jesus handle this conflict (What would Jesus do)? (Over time, Cynthia felt convicted that Jesus wanted her and her mother to reconcile).
- Would you be willing to practice a more Christlike relationship with this person while learning how to respectfully communicate boundaries and boundary consequences? (Before letting all of those previously instilled boundaries go, we discussed what a step-by-step process could look like for Cynthia and her mother to begin a relationship again. This process included how to communicate her boundaries, as well as the consequences if these boundaries were not respected).
- Are you willing to accept that the other person (or people) may not be interested in reconciliation and/or on your terms? What are you willing (and not willing) to negotiate? (Thankfully, Cynthia’s mother was motivated to see her grandchildren, and she did not push back on the limits that Cynthia set for her. However, we did discuss beforehand in what ways Cynthia could be flexible if her mother was reluctant).
Our boundaries with our family, friends, work, and even church, will not always be perfect because we are far from perfect. Our families, friends, co-workers, and brothers and sisters in Christ are fallen, as well. Cynthia had plenty of bumps in the road while trying to have a renewed relationship with her mother. It is important that our clients understand that this is part of the change process. While there are certainly some situations in which clients should not entertain a relationship (abuse), we should be mindful of Christ’s desire for reconciliation for all people to Himself and with one another, as well as the unfortunate reality that some of the people with whom we desire reconciliation may not be interested. With the Christlike Character Self-evaluation, though, we can at least help our clients to be reconciled to God, who is able to provide them with perfect counsel and peace.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God” (2 Cor. 5:17-20, ESV).
Sarah J. Bracey, PhD LPC MHSP, serves as the program coordinator and associate professor of the undergraduate and graduate psychology programs at Welch College. She also provides soul care counseling and supervision with over 15 years of experience in the college campus setting. Dr. Bracey has led several Boundaries workshops with her clients and enjoys writing and speaking on mental health topics. She lives in northern Tennessee with her husband and son.
