By Bill and Kristi Gaultiere
As counselors and pastors we’ve found that everyone needs to know they are deeply loved, but most people struggle with self-judging.
Their inner attitude or self-talk may sound like this:
You shouldn’t feel this . . .
You’re burdening people with your needs . . .
Don’t be a complainer . . .
Don’t cry . . .
You’ll get hurt . . .
Stay in control . . .
Rejecting their emotional needs leaves them feeling unloved and sabotages their mental health and spiritual growth. In your counseling or ministry it’s important to realize that even as your clients or church attenders seek your help or cry out to God in prayer, often their inner judge is shaming them and spoiling the empathy and care you are giving. For them to benefit from your help they need to develop self empathy.
We also have internal critics. Thankfully, for ourselves and the people we care for we have learned how to counteract self-judging with self-empathy.
What Is Self-Empathy?
I (Kristi) had a favorite cat named Charlie. He delighted in my affection and had a special bond with me. Often, he would sit in my lap, knead on me with his paws, and purr—like he did with his mommy when he was a kitty. He was self-soothing. He had internalized the comfort of nursing and was replicating this. Often children do the same thing with their mother, father, or another caregiver. They use a pacifier, blanket, the name “Mommy,” or a picture to help them reconnect with maternal comfort and security. They’re developing self-empathy. Adults need self-empathy too; it’s how we overcome self-judging and other resistances to grace. Self-empathy strengthens us to be able to give empathy and love to other people.
You may not have heard the term “self-empathy.” Let’s unpack a working definition of giving empathy to yourself: Self-empathy is agreeing with empathy from God or a person you trust to appreciate that you are deeply loved by God. In times of emotional distress or need, self-empathy is like an oxygen mask. If you’re in a plane with your child and the cabin pressure drops, you need to put your oxygen mask on first so you can safely help your child put on their oxygen mask. If we don’t care for ourselves then we can’t very well care for others.
Self-empathy is not an independent self-help process—it’s agreeing with God’s grace. Healthy self empathy for your clients or the people you’re ministering to looks like them trusting in your empathetic care and appreciating that God is caring for them through you.
One time when David and his men returned to their camp at Ziklag, they found it destroyed by fire and their wives and children taken captive by enemies. They wept uncontrollably till they had no strength left. As the leader, David was in despair, “but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God” (1 Sam. 30:6 KJV). He trusted the Lord for the comfort and strength he needed, and then he was able to rise up and lead his men to rescue their families. That’s self-empathy. David, in his psalms of lament, shows us how to use self-empathy to agree with God’s grace.
The Lord Jesus baked the psychology of self-empathy into his great commandment to love God “with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” and “love others as much as you love yourself” (Mark 12:30–31 CEV, emphasis added). Understanding our emotions and caring for our needs through self-empathy is an important part of loving ourselves as God loves us and it strengthens us to love God and others well.
Benefits of Self-Empathy
When the people we are helping learn to develop self-empathy it improves their mental health and spiritual maturity. Furthermore, as counselors and pastors when we practice self-empathy it protects us from empathy fatigue and burnout. There have been a number of psychological studies done that show significant benefits of self-compassion (relating to ourselves with empathy and kindness) including:
• Decreased depression and anxiety[i]
• Increased motivation, healthy behavior, and resilient coping[ii]
• Happiness, optimism, and life satisfaction[iii]
• Forgiveness and altruism[iv]
• Relational connection in romantic relationships[v]
Helping Others Grow in Self-Empathy
Here are three steps we have used in counseling and ministry to help people cultivate self-empathy and its benefits:
1. Befriending emotions
Henri Nouwen, author of many books on Christian spirituality, taught that the way to overcome distressed emotions is not to fight against them, deny them, or judge them as weak and problematic, but to befriend our emotions.[vi] To be friendly to emotions is to be patient, gentle, and accepting of them. It’s to listen to emotions and learn from them (without being controlled by them). When you befriend others emotions it shows them how to befriend their emotions.
2. Resisting self-judgment
When you’re caring for people it’s important to listen to their inner attitudes towards their own emotions, struggles, and needs and to notice any tendencies toward self-judgment, which is a primary form of unconscious resistance to receiving the care they need. If you don’t point this out you’ll get exhausted from trying to get through to them. It’s important to address this gently and in collaboration with them. For instance, you might say, “It seems you’re judging your emotions as bad and that’s making it hard for you to receive my empathy. Do you notice this? Or how would you describe your experience?” When they name their resistance, set it aside, and receive your empathy, energy, and insight it’s transformative for them.
3. Appreciating Jesus’ empathy
With empathy and compassion, Jesus attuned to the emotions of the widow of Nain who was crying because she had lost her only son (Luke 7:11–16). When Thomas felt left out and was struggling with doubt Jesus felt for him and made a special visit, offering for him to touch the nail prints in his hands
(John 20:24-27). For all of us Jesus is our great high priest who is eager to “empathize with our weaknesses” (Heb. 4:15 NIV). He sees into the hearts of the people you help and calls them “friends” (John 15:15). Appreciating Jesus’ empathy is the best way for the people you help to grow in self empathy because the Spirit of Jesus is with them between sessions and always to feel for them and care for them so they know that they are deeply loved.
Bill Gaultiere (Ph.D. psychologist and pastor) and Kristi Gaultiere (Psy.D. therapist) are founders of Soul Shepherding, a nonprofit ministry that features 5-day retreats to help pastors, counselors, and others go deeper with Jesus in emotional health and loving relationships. Participants can earn a Certificate in Spiritual Direction or a Certificate in Coaching. Bill and Kristi are the authors of a number of books, including Deeply Loved: Receiving and Reflecting God’s Great Empathy for You.
End Notes
[i] MacBeth, A. and Gumley, A. (2012). “Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self compassion and psychopathology,” Clinical psychology review 32(6):545–52.
[ii] Albertson, E., Neff, K. and Dill-Shackleford, K. (2014). “Self-compassion and body dissatisfaction in women: A randomized controlled trial of a brief meditation intervention,” Mindfulness 6(3): 1–11.
[iii] Neff, K., Rude, S. and Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). “An Examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits,” Journal of research in personality 41(4): 908–16. [iv] Neff K. and Pommier, E. (2013). “The relationship between self-compassion and other-focused concern among college undergraduates, community adults, and practicing meditators,” Self and identity, 12(2):160–76. [v] Neff, K. and Beretvas, S. (2013). “The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships,” Self and identity 12(1):78– 98.
[vi] Nouwen, H. (1996). The inner voice of love: A journey through anguish to freedom (New York: Image Books), 42–43.
